The Singapore-er ::

April 19, 2009
Clarke Quay Singapore

Clarke Quay Singapore

I left last Wednesday night for Singapore from Hong Kong and arrived at 10:30 pm after a 4 hour flight where I had the pleasure of watching Cathay’s in-flight exorcise videos, and of listening to some old fart behind me make loud “Hchhhhhaaawwwwk!” noises every few seconds lah. After landing and exiting the airport (where I saw this nifty sign for a “Prayer Room.” Who knew?), the first thing I noticed is the wall of heat. Singapore is freakin’ HOT. I loved it. My face was sweating.

Popped into a cab where the driver thought he was Speed Racer hopped up on meth, either that or he thought he was driving in Shanghai. Luckily I made it to the Swissotel Merchant Court alive, and my testicles were able to descend from their place of hiding. Because I am a filthy smoker, I asked for a room with a balcony. The good part was I got this view (Video of View). The bad part was it was facing the Clarke Quay bar area, so the room was noisy. Since I couldn’t beat the noise, I decided to hit up the bar street and check out the local scene. Turns out it was ladies night, and much mayhem was afoot. Ended up going to Attica and meeting some folks to help me party the night away.

My God in heaven…the women!

Wandering around Clarke Quay on ladies night there was one thought that kept coming to mind, “My God in heaven…the women! They’re wearing hardly anything! God bless warm weather!” Much half ball was shown (Please refer to the Talking Cock Singaporean Dictionary for Singlish lingo.)

The next day was packed with meetings, meeting lunches, and lunch meetings. Though my dinner meeting proved the most eventful. I was taken to a famous Hawker stand called Sin Huat Eating House which is known for its extremely grumpy owner and amazing seafood. Apparently the owner is self trained and has won numerous awards, so he can afford to be grumpy and do as he pleases. This was evident by his order taking technique.

Colleague, “Hello we’ll have the…”

Owner, “You’ll have the crab.”

Colleague, “Ahh yes OK, and we’ll have…”

Owner, “Scallops.”

Colleague, “Please that would be lovely.”

The owner was decked out in his finest Thursday duds (boxers, t-shirt, and black rubber boots.) Even though we were the only ones there it took 30 minutes to get the food. I hear stories that he really doesn’t give a shit and he’ll refuse to serve you if you complain about waiting. We didn’t complain.

The food finally arrived and it was a serious spread of crab, prawns, veggies, and other assorted wildlife of the sea. We ate them all with gusto and verve. Much verve. Too much gusto. I unfortunately contracted some kind of sneaky intestinal bug which stayed with me until Saturday night. The crab had his revenge…


On Friday I met with a Singaporean famous for his food reviews and couldn’t even eat anything at his favorite Japanese restaurant. Talk about embarrassing. “Uh sorry, I can’t eat because I have a bad case of the craps due to my being a real pansy.”

Needless to say my flight back to Hong Kong wasn’t the most pleasant I’ve ever had.

Great city, and I plan on returning again when I have some time, even if I can’t chew gum.

The nation that doesn’t like you chewing gum, or littering ($500 t$1000 US fines) is understandably one helluva a clean city. Granted, I didn’t get to see all that much in the short time I was afforded, but I counted all of 2 items of litter on the road during my 25 minute cab ride from the airport to my hotel. Though I did snap a pic of a bit of Graffitti which was surprising because of the harsh punishments.

Other tidbits of useful information about Singapore

  • Red lanterns hanging in KTVs or massage parlors mean you’re in for MORE than a good time
  • Mustafa is the Indian Wal Mart (I bought luggage there for $10 US)
  • Sunblock is mandatory

8 Responses to “The Singapore-er ::”

  1. hub Says:

    Sooooo, there was no one in the restaurant (bad sign), the owner told you what he would be serving you (a little iffy), it took forever (was he hiring a chef?), and you got food poisoning.

    You say this place has won awards, eh?

    What do the lousy restaurants do to you? Kill you, feed you to yourself and make you do the dishes?

  2. Jeannette Says:

    Your poor bum!!! I hope it and your belly are both better!

    Is it wrong that the whole time I just kept chanting “Att-i-ca! Att-i-ca!” in my head?

  3. Chris Says:

    Just a wee bit yes. 🙂

  4. The Punisher Says:

    The Singaporean Punisher stalks the streets with his bamboo cane launcher in search of evil litterbugs and hip street artists.

  5. Jeannette Says:

    Wait a minute, re-reading it…the owner came out in boxers? And then got food poisoning? He totally crapped in your food!

  6. Li Says:

    What does a red lantern in the KTV mean?

    I was with my geeky family all the time in Singapore, so I didn’t get to see the seedy side.

  7. birdiie Says:

    haha it’s spelt Mustafa! not musaffa.
    in any case i’m sorry you had a case of food poisoning. & usually popular restaurants are jam packed at all times – we singaporeans do so love to eat lol.

    oh li – a red lantern at a KTV means “intimate activities with pretty women available here” haha!

  8. Chris Says:

    Thanks for the correction! As for the “food poisoning” I think it was more me than the food. I got sick off shellfish a week before so it was more than likely my body telling me to chill the hell out on it for a while.

    oh li!

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