Crazy Brits, squash, and a foot orgy ::

March 27, 2009

The 100o year old game of racquetball has been butchered by the Brits. If you’ve ever enjoyed a game of racquetball with blue balls flying, intentional shots to the back, and sweaty headbands then you know it is the purest form of the “court sports.” Only the ancient Aztec game of Decapitated Slave Head Footie comes close in terms of intensity, skill and sheer badassery.

Squash.

The only people that could think up such a perversion of racquetball live on an island with shitty weather and nothing better else to do than to screw with perfection. So they shrunk the racquet ball, the racquets, and the court. They also added more rules to the game like pointless lines on the front wall and side wall. The ball is also, for lack of a better word, squashy. Which is where my research has led me to believe the name of the game was derived. I’m still trying to put everything together, so don’t quote me.

Bloody hell. So I played this bloke from work yesterday down at the sporting center in Central Hong Kong. Fellow was quite good twisting me up on the squash court I must say. Had a bloody good serve that I couldn’t hit for the life of me. By jove! I needed a pint after he was finished with me! It was a jolly good time though, regardless of the strained buttox I endured during the last game. Good show for my friend, beating me 8-1, 8-2, 8-2 in three games.

Jolly. Good. Show.

I hate squash. What a dumb name for a game.

Luckily I was able to have some of my beating massaged away at Joy Massage on Caine Road afterwards. I’ve never participated in a foot orgy before. 14 people lined up in chairs with their feet raised and oily, accompanied by the sounds of hands massaging between toes (ick). Toes everywhere, but not a happy ending in sight. For those of you wondering what a “happy ending” is, it is when two people love each other very much and they decide to love each other for very long tine, or at least for the duration of the commercial break during a Chinese TV drama.

After all the intense activities, I needed to harmonize my sausage and stomach with a smooth fruit drink.

Sausage and Stomach Drink

Then it was time for a hike in the boonies, far, far, far from where we were supposed to be. Good thing my sausage was harmonized!

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7 Responses to “Crazy Brits, squash, and a foot orgy ::”

  1. N Says:

    Not a sore loser then??? Believe it was started by the French…and then civilised by the British. According to Wikipedia that is!

  2. Chris Says:

    Nah, not at all. I just felt like it would be fun to write about. 😀 I’m actually pretty keen to give Squash another go as it does play completely differently than racquetball. I’m glad you know better than to take me seriously!

  3. netta Says:

    Unharmonized sausage is detrimental to your health. Ask any teenaged boy.

    Heh.

  4. Jeannette Says:

    If anyone ever touches my feet I will KILL them.

  5. Chris Says:

    *Touches feet*

  6. Chris Says:

    Nat nat was kind enough to inform me that the French actually created squash.

    I like my fictional version better. Though…*enters into unpublishable French bashing* you know what I mean?

  7. Jeannette Says:

    *kills Chris*

    You have been SMITED! SMOTED! SMOTE! SMOTEN!

    You are dead, jeeze.


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